The Deep has always loved me

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Within the Silence of life’s living I am resting

quieting all thought

quelling even devotion as singular

weaving within the weft of this great love

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The red tailed hawk still perfect but road killed

the colors of fall

the drifting snow burying the uphill windows

to lit transoms the absolute quiet of white

the starving deer the dogs ran down

in that hardest of winters

the deer’s bones in the morgue of the freezer

until I would bury the bones in Spring

the brush fires I tended that burned hot or low for days

under late snow or Spring rain

the gourds that looked like the swollen bellies of whales

the purge of the creek in spring run off stripping bark

clean from tumbling dead trees

the surprise of the rising waters climbing my calves

the ground saturated to jelly

the path we called Cat Butt turned into a river

the sound wild and competing with returning brown geese

a lightening flash snaking the grounding wire silencing

the music playing inside with a preacher’s thunder

the swath cut through the static of long berry brambles

catching hold and refusing to let go

the oldest grapevine living with the elder pine protecting

each other with their roots suckling water from the bog

the young maples I sang with

as I learned their grove’s language

the low valley road no one wanted to travel that opened

my throat to the sound of a vowel’s reaching

the last call and thumping cry shock wave of each tree

falling as loggers clear cut nearby

the hummingbird sitting in stillness on the tip of the

branchless dead tree each summer’s day at 4

the oceans of colored mushrooms swelling

the deep woods just that one wet season

the bed of lace and leaves tatted by oak’s tannins

where I lay in surrender to soft rain

the purple woman’s hands of black cohosh rising

from wet soil dressed in the mysteries of Spring

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Drawing by Jana White ©

Instagram @ Jana_h_White

The Nimbleness of Intelligence

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The nimbleness of intelligence

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How many times

will I shed raw and return?

Or is it a stronger current

amorphously assembling and deconstructing

in circuitous layers of attendance

as I unwittingly rally

behind the porosity of my tumbling thoughts,

the seduction of the “certainty” of knowledge?

~

I am a small planet

a symbiotic microbial world

my mind’s peripheral orbit though

has flung so far out

in its trajectory that now

my axis seems nearly invisible

but I can still feel it…

this bright nucleus of love

teeming with life

~

Tepid fleshed, soft and juicy

I navigate through

this microbial stew

with winged thoughts

a heart that prisms lightning

and opposable dancing thumbs

tingling with the emotive tracings

of “new” frontiers

~

While underground

the nimbleness of intelligence

arises in quietude

fervent, listening

patiently listening

for openings of emergent steam

clear signs of the heat of engagement

~

I look “out there” from inside this swarming warmth

positioning myself in the spaces in between

so practiced in resistance to the consistent hum of patterns and static

The quietude continues to rise from its circuitous path

through the soles of my feet

rising to the opening in my sky when I hear

In here! In here!

Not out there!

We’re right here!

We’re all right here

Playing in the fields of wild light”

~

Image © by Jana White

Instagram @ Jana_H_White

Enigma

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Rooted in the Greek word for riddle

I steady myself

in the middle of the stream

So much rain

my toes search for purchase

as I move along in the strong current

~

But I’ll not wander in the side eddies

where the slickest algae

coats the surface of the stones still idling there

passing time as if singular

feigning reflection

~

An intoxicated accumulation

of over fertilized organic matter

girdling themselves

as if they could hold on to the ground

~

My days have been emptying

full of the feeling that I’m living in two separate realities

~

More than a waiting game

too much hard evidence

~

Carrying a pack that needs to be cleaned out

and made into a traveling case of essentials

fit for traveling in even faster flowing water

~

I’ve been carrying these stones around with me for decades. The one with the impressed shells is from the Northwest Pacific coast and was gifted to me. Its partner once dwelled further south, somewhere along the coast by Half Moon Bay, south of San Francisco.

They traveled with me when I returned to the waters of the east coast, after my sojourn with the Pacific.  The stones always hold a corner of one of my gardens, along with a bowl of water for the critters and birds.

The poem inserted into the photo arrived out of the blue, as many poems tend to do. It came as a puzzle and I chuckled as I considered who it could be referring to.

That is until…. could it possibly be “water”?  And partner with the poem “Enigma”?

~

Poems and photo © Jana White

Instagram @ Jana_H_White

Dengue Diary

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Becoming

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Even substance

can not slow to definition

The holiness

of momentum

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Weather

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It’s called the “Bone Crusher”.

At the end of 2019 and five days into a month long artist residency in Mexico, I fell into a deep viral vortex known as dengue fever. As the virus rummaged through my physiology, the microscopic mutants concentrated in my skull. My brain swelled with a pain so focused that I couldn’t open my eyes and for days I lost all sense of whether it was day or night.

All I remember of this time is literally having no other choice but to surrender to the pain. Finally, within this weird dark place I “saw” what I remember as an image of the archetype of Mary, which I held on to with the thought that perhaps I wasn’t being swallowed whole afterall.

Shortly after the pain subsided, and other than the bones in my head being tender and my lungs congested, I slowly re-entered the day to day world of the rest of the residency.

The canvasses I had prepped were all ready and hanging on my working wall. My paints were arranged on the table, but I found that I could not tolerate color! Light also bothered me and I was unable to look at a phone or computer screen without feeling some internal wires were being crossed. My original intentions disrupted, I sketched instead in black and white trying to express the experience and make something of the residency.

Even more disconcerting was how it felt simply inhabiting space. When walking there was the feeling of riding up and down an elevator. For months afterwards I would have to stop to steady and ground myself….in a panic. Since this feeling was this side of actual dizziness or vertigo, it took months to understand my eustachian tubes had been permanently altered. Finally allergy testing confirmed this and also that my body remained on high alert. I continually exhibited allergic reactions, and I became a human barometer of weather and environmental and seasonal changes. It took years to convince my neurology that neither hard wood trees, nor a new weather front, would upend me.

I was finding that I was having to come into perceptual relationship with everything around me…in a deeper way. This relationship wasn’t a new experience. I had been relying on nature for a sense of wonder and relationship, but also emotional regulation, since a child old enough to wander alone in the wildness of it. This is where I found true beauty in the rhythms of life, sometimes death, and learned to trust change.

Considering the archetypal image of Mary that I saw during my dengue episode? It has become clear to me that this was the Earth herself….in one unbroken seam.

~

Drawings by Jana White ©

Instagram @ Jana_h_White

Fragile

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Fragile like smog shadows rifling valleys

the mountain holds its breath

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Fragile like feverish water

the ocean aborts the moon’s children

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Fragile like bees losing direction

and stamens playing their last hands

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Fragile like children born overwhelmed

by viruses perplexed

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Fragile still

like a flower

self-sewing in the garden

in blooming will make no mistakes

Intelligence in its unfolding

~

~

“The Sky is falling. The sky is falling”

Painting and poem by Jana White

Instagram @jana_h_white

becoming Beauty

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Becoming Beauty

face up floating

in a sea of glass

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Beauty lies below me

 in the elemental caprice of

sunlit patterns reflecting sky

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Beauty circles above me

in clouds collecting salted tears

We all become the ocean when it rains

~

Beauty walks behind me

with gravity leaving footprints

Its strength the shifting sands

~

The wind of Beauty

blows quietly within me

ever seeking itself without measure

~

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The source of this gorgeous photo is unknown

Fragile still

max ernst

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Fragile like smog shadows rifling valleys

the mountain holds its breath

~

Fragile like feverish water

the ocean aborts the moon’s children

~

Fragile like bees loosing direction

and stamens playing their last hands

~

Fragile like children born overwhelmed

by viruses perplexed

~

Fragile still

like a flower 

self-sewing in the garden

in blooming will make no mistake

intelligence in its unfolding

~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Artist: Max Ernst

Beauty waits

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There is nothing ambiguous about loss

it fills the spaces left behind

a tenderness that registers the slightest wind

so vulnerable it stops breath from breathing

in sudden recognition of how hard it is

to fill space when empty

waking each day turned inside out

~

There is nothing ambiguous about loss

That sharp clacking of stone upon stone

leaving a path of shards

the hidden gravity that shades the color blue

Where memory seems more than skin

translucent but barnacled…

a legacy of the light of dead stars

~

There is nothing ambiguous about loss

it separates the cut edges

opening abrasions with graveled hands

where hearing is more sensitive than sight

as music evokes both acid and balm

and the heaviness of dreaming

is carried in weary flesh

~

There is nothing ambiguous about loss

I am ever present in its deep grain

comprising the growth rings

through which side branches grow

I have become something other than I was

something less something more

while separated from beauty

~

This seemingly inexhaustible thirst

redeemed in the breath of wildness

each inhalation responding

each exhalation my wordless prayer

In animal distress

I bend low at the stream

Silent, listening…. I drink

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Photo credit: http://amolecularmatter.tumblr.com/

I dream of being a weed…

 

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I dream of being a weed

traveling in my roots carving deep,

just carving, scraping away

letting go more of the surface

each time I tap deeper

~

These are restless nights

waking with soil packed tight

at the corner of eyes picking at

worm castings under fingernails

the scrim wrapped tight round my head

caked with quartz shards and clay

filaments of memory scattered about the floor

the moon an aboriginal instinct

~

I’m a veteran miner

more comfortable in the dark

where I can keep an eye on things

~

On the surface my tough rosettes

of green continue to vitamin the grassy bank

the untamed sun persisting in its pursuit

until finally … reluctant with abandon

~

There is no letting go. Why would I?

There is nothing of worth to carry…

All I can do is bloom

~

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 drawing and poem …. j.h.white

The Scent of Me

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Dark, my scent the smoke of wood fungus

Hidden, my intimate flesh the sugared amber sap of trees

Returning, my under arms the rotting nurture of fallen leaves

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The fertile air tentacles

leaving traces

of spores and maple and mold.

Some leave quickly and some take hold.

~

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Poem and painting … j.h.white.